(This post is going to be a bit of a ramble.)
I want to be happy now. Not in three more years. I want to be able to say I really love my life and I'm happy what I'm doing with it. The fact is I did enjoy working as a radiation therapist but I don't know if it's something I can do for the rest of my life. I know I would like it but I want to love my job. I don't want to dread getting up every morning and pray for the weekend. I know that this is probably a very new ideal with my generation. I've seen it a million times before. The older generations of my family certainly didn't love their jobs, they did what they had to do to pay the bills and put food on the table. Who am I to want more? Especially when it is a job I could like doing.
But I do want more. This isn't the age of leaving school before you're sixteen so you can help support the family. I don't have a husband and kids that I have to support. I can do whatever the hell I want and I think that's the scary part. I don't think I'm the type of person to go the traditional route. I don't want to spend four years in college, get a job, meet a man, get married, but a house and 2.5 kids. I want to travel the world, never knowing where the next day will bring me, never knowing if I'll have enough money to get there! I want to read books, write books, publish books. I want to open a bakery, I want to open a cafe with a bookstore. I want to work in the background of films. I want more.
So at the moment I'm really confused. I don't know what to do. Should I go back to college and stick it out, taking the safe route of a secure job? Or should I take a risk and drop out, trying to find what I want to do in life? I don't want to just fall into a life. I don't want to look back in fifty years working as a radiation therapist and say god, I should have taken the risk. But I also don't want to take the risk and fall flat on my arse and end up working retail for the rest of my life. I want to choose my life. I want to pick a road and go down it consciously.
I don't want to settle for a life. That's my biggest fear in the whole world. I know I can't be ecstatic about my life every single moment until I die, I know that you have to have the bad and the good alongside each other. But I want a life with huge highs to balance out the lows. I want moments were I know that I'll never be happier. I don't just want a life where I can claim to be generally content.
I don't want to wake up one day and feel trapped in a life I never chose but went along with anyway. But the thought of taking the road less travelled is terrifying!
The question now is, to drop out or not? To try to figure out what I want to do and simply do it. I feel like I'm having a mid-life crisis at the age of twenty! I'm asking you now to share your life stories a little bit with me. Did you do the usual route of college and a job? Or did you take the road less travelled?